The Unbearable Banishment: Your horrible success

Monday, June 21, 2010

Your horrible success

“It can get a little boring,” he said softly over coffee at the Four Seasons hotel here...
Actor Robert Patterson on fame in a June 20th New York Times fluff piece titled His Cross to Bear.

Oh, boy. Here we go again. I got a Slowly I Turned* moment first thing on a Monday morning. Longtime readers know that nothing pushes my buttons more than listening to someone complain about their success. The success that they actively pursued, by the way. It's always some young, 20-something, clueless, dope who has an underdeveloped sense of struggle.

For instance, this Patterson shithead. So. Your popularity is a cross to bear, is it? (Ha-ha. Get it? He plays a vampire.) This morning I took the 5:35 a.m., sat in the middle of a three-seater and the weight-challenged construction workers on either side of me fell asleep and used me as a pillow. By the time I pulled into New York, my thighs were moist from their sweat. They, on the other hand, seemed refreshed. I'll bet that never happens to people who sip coffee at the Four Seasons.

My favorite example of clueless ingratitude is from boring lite rock droner Nora Jones who was quoted as saying:

On the first record I was everywhere, and it was, like, the worst time in my life.

Equally boring one-note actor Michael Cera said:

I don’t really want to be famous, and I’m kind of scared that might be happening.

And, finally, Emily Blunt, who starred in the bomb Young Victoria said:

It's just never been important to me to make a big splash and I don't care for it.

The people who finance your projects will be happy to hear that, Emily. Don't you want to just smack every one of them upside their empty little heads? I sure do. The last time I did one of these rants I posted an example of how it's done. Brad Pitt is quoted as saying:

It's so tough being an actor. Sometimes they bring you coffee and sometimes it's cold. And sometimes you don't have a chair to sit on.

See? Isn't that just so much better?

* "Slowly I Turned" is the most common name associated with a popular vaudeville sketch whereby words are used as the trigger, which then sends the unbalanced person into a state of mania.

* * *

I'm actually not much of a ranter but here's a quick bonus rant.

The Harry Potter Theme Park opened in Orlando last week. Daniel Radcliffe and Michael Gambon were on hand for the ribbon cutting. The success was beyond Universal's wildest imaginations. The wait was SIX HOURS just to get IN! They interviewed some guests as they exited the Park and here's my favorite quote:

Blythe Passantino, 21, followed with a tearful admission of her own: “I really wanted to live here; it was so much better than our real lives.”

Doesn't that sound terribly childish for a 21-year old? Our real lives should be like a theme park? Parenting fail.

Good morning, everyone! Welcome to the working week!


Blogger Everyday Goddess said...

Robert who?


you are so right to rant!

plus, i have seen enough i love lucy to know all about the slowly i turn...

don't you hate it when a guy sleeps on you and just leaves without so much as a goodbye? ooops, tmi?

June 21, 2010 at 8:07 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

perfect monday rant, sugar! thanks for the giggles, it was already getting too damn dark around the plantation. faulkner country is alive and well. oxoxoxo

June 21, 2010 at 8:13 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

by the by, i remember the slowly i turned... routine from abbott and costello.

June 21, 2010 at 8:15 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

EG: I had to Google TMI. I'll bet Robert Patterson knows what it means. And if a girl wants to sleep on me and just leave without a goodbye, I will, somehow, find a way to live with that. And thanks, again, for the Post of the Week link. I'll bet Patterson doesn't have one of those.

Savannah: Faulkner! Creepy x 10! Did you ever read As I Lay Dying? It’s full of unexpected belly-laughs. Great zingers from the dead mother's corpse about her family.

June 21, 2010 at 8:16 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

ok, you just made the MITM spit his coffee out laughing! xoxoxo

June 21, 2010 at 9:07 AM  
Blogger Jason Quinones said...

to actively pursue and willingly become someone whose job it is to publicly perform and appear in the spotlight requires on some level, some ego driven passion. whether they want to admit it or not,it's all about ego to want to be known for your art. so in a sense they are asking for it...

but fame can be a dangerous thing in today's world when a simple google search can possibly open up your entire personal life to perfect strangers. i'm not sure if anybody is prepared to want that kind of fame or exposure...

unless you're some talentless asshat like tela tequila. then yeah fuck her.

June 21, 2010 at 9:25 AM  
Blogger mapstew said...

Now the image of you as the 'meat' in the construction workers 'sandwich' (moist) is stuck in my head for the rest of the day!

And, I have never complained about the attention my fame brings! :¬)

June 21, 2010 at 10:17 AM  
Anonymous nuttycow said...

I just don't *get* some people. I found out the other day that two of my friends - 21 and 24 - are both obsessed with Twilight. I mean, seriously? The mind boggles.

P.S. LOLing to Everyday Goddess' comment re: guys sleeping :)

June 21, 2010 at 11:06 AM  
Blogger kyknoord said...

I have - oh, I don't know - at least 15 readers, but I've never let fame go to my head.

June 21, 2010 at 12:09 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Jason: Guys like Springsteen and Bon Jovi seem to handle their fame pretty well. So it can be done. For most, it's a big mistake.

Map: Don't you love an appreciative audience?! Isn't that what it's about?

Nutty: I can't figure out who the target audience is for Twilight. I know a lot of NJ suburban moms who eat it up.

Kykn: Yes, you seem humble to a fault.

June 21, 2010 at 12:12 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

The poor darlings have a lot of learning to do.
EG said
'don't you hate it when a guy sleeps on you and just leaves without so much as a goodbye? ooops, tmi?'
But they did leave their sweat didn't they? Scrumptious.

The Harry Potter thing has no rides I believe. What's to queue for?
Is slowly I turned the same as a double take?

June 21, 2010 at 12:16 PM  
Blogger Jason Quinones said...

springsteen and jovi are way older and more seasoned in the ways of handling fame. i'm sure in their younger days they said things equally stupid.

June 21, 2010 at 12:20 PM  
Blogger Jason Quinones said...

p.s. interesting that you used two jersey boys in your example.

June 21, 2010 at 12:25 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Pat: The best "Slowly I turned" bit is in a Three Stooges short. Curly hears the words "Niagara Falls" and it sends him into a blistering frenzy. Hysterical stuff.

Jason: Pure coincidence. I wasn't going to admit it but I saw a documentary about the band Rush last week and these guys really seem to have a firm grasp of fame. They don't take it seriously and are in on the joke.

June 21, 2010 at 1:08 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

maturity does wonders

June 21, 2010 at 3:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You left out that horse-faced one from Sex and the City.The one "complains" that it's really tough being a working mom.Maybe that's why her twins were surrogate-delivered.

I'd stack a lot of the fault with the equally shallow journalists

June 21, 2010 at 5:13 PM  
Blogger Blythe said...

i didn't actually say that, the new york times misquoted me. the actual quote was, "when i was 11 i wanted to live in the harry potter world. it seemed so much cooler than real life."

June 21, 2010 at 5:15 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Ellie: Not always. Especially when you're talking about actors.

MIT: Yes, you can throw her onto the heap, too. And you're right about the entertainment media. SOMEONE has to dole out this crap.

Blythe: I prefer the NY Times version. It's funnier! Were you really in tears? Incidentally, BLYTHELOVESJAMES is no less childish.

June 21, 2010 at 8:24 PM  
Blogger Here In Franklin said...

So recently I heard a stay-at-home mom talking about how busy she is getting ready for a month-long stay at her beach house. I wanted to rip her head off and shit in her neck. And I don't even have kids.

June 21, 2010 at 8:26 PM  
Anonymous Rob said...

I think it was a lot better when actors and entertainers had to be travelling minstrels and earn their keep by performing.

Of course, the bastards were still impregnating our daughters (and wives) if we weren't vigilant, but that's our cross to bear.

Parenting fail indeed. It's hard being the harsh cold shower of reality but it's necessary to keep these vapid thoughts away.

June 21, 2010 at 11:50 PM  
Anonymous Sid said...

Nora Jones - lite rock droner??? I'm sorry but she's not even slightly rock. She's the chick you have singing at your traditional wedding.

June 22, 2010 at 7:33 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

HIF: I've met those. I make a conscious effort to not lose my perspective. I only complain when it's warranted. That's my intention, at least.

Rob: What you mean to say is that it was a lot better when there were no celebrities. Just working actors.

Sid: I wouldn't have her at my wedding because I wouldn't want to put my guests to SLEEP!

June 22, 2010 at 7:55 AM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

love the rants - greetings from the ladies on Lesvos. are your ears burning?

June 22, 2010 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger A Free Man said...

I don't know who Robert Patterson is. Don't really care. I agree with you on the whinging about success. It's a hard thing to achieve and if you do you should be fucking grateful. There's a difference between humility in success and self-serving false humility.

June 22, 2010 at 8:43 PM  
Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Ahhhh...I too am getting bored of every interview RP does him complaining about being followed everywhere, being unable to walk down the street and live a normal life...

Oh, god. Poor you. You internationally renown sex symbol for teenage girls, you.

June 23, 2010 at 3:14 PM  
Blogger sukipoet said...

thanks for a good laugh

June 27, 2010 at 1:13 PM  
Blogger Blues said...

See? I knew I liked Brad Pitt for more than just his hotness.

July 9, 2010 at 1:45 PM  

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