The Unbearable Banishment: Welcome to Ohio! (Caucasians only, please.)

Friday, November 26, 2010

Welcome to Ohio! (Caucasians only, please.)

Living on the East Coast, I tend to forget just how conservative people have become in the middle parts of the country. I'm in the lovely Buckeye State of Ohio for the holiday and some people out here are plenty pissed. This place has gone Red State in my absence. I pulled into the local Dunkin Donuts for a badly-needed coffee infusion and ran into this charming fella:

There's no ambiguity about where his sentiments lie. I think the majestic bald eagle imagery is particularly effective, don't you? He might have stolen that from Stephen Colbert. F- for originality.

On the other side of his pickup truck was this:

In case you weren't sure who he's referring to specifically, that bumper sticker—the one where he calls illegal aliens criminals—those are the colors of the Mexican flag. Got it? Lots of ANGER out here, folks. Lots of anger.

* * *

Only a rank amateur would dive into a Thanksgiving dinner without a proper battle plan. It takes careful preparation that begins a day or two beforehand with limiting the amount of food you eat. You have to get your guts in shape for the big event.

The execution of your strategy on the day of the meal is equally important. I prefer a two-pronged attack. The first wave of attack is always the traditional Thanksgiving food. Your plate is the battlefield.

Once you've won that battle and catch your breath, you're ready for the second wave. Target: the Italian delights.

The Italian portion of the meal is prepared a few days ahead of time. There's simply not enough time to prepare all that food in one morning. But there's an added benefit. It's a scientifically proven truth that if you make homemade marinara sauce, meatballs and neck bones and allow them to sit for a day or two, it actually becomes more flavorful and succulent. It's a fact!

The danger with that strategy is that having a big bowl of meatballs sitting around the house for two days leaves them vulnerable to early attacks from other armies. You have to draw a line in the sand.

Tonight: Leftover city, bitches.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Freedom from vets"?
That part was the eagle's contribution.

November 26, 2010 at 12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohio's always been pretty 'red', as in 'redneck'. the twist in popular sentiment, via screaming heads on television, has simply emboldened them. at least this guy knows how to spell...

November 26, 2010 at 5:36 PM  
Anonymous nursemyra said...

I was going to ask the same question as Kyk. It doesn't make any sense

November 27, 2010 at 1:31 AM  
Blogger Ellie said...

I disagree: the spaghetti and meatballs does require explanation ... spaghetti and meatballs for Thanksgiving?!!!!! Things are different in the mid west!

November 27, 2010 at 4:29 AM  
Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...


Ohio man is obviously not getting any at home.

November 27, 2010 at 5:54 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

I discovered recently that Americans prefer to eat mashed potato with turkey and chicken rather than roast potatoes. Whereas we in the old country prefer both - but ALWAYS roasties - come what.

November 27, 2010 at 7:05 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

kykn: Another astute observation. How do you do it?

Daisy: I always thought this place was a pretty good balance between the two but it reached a tipping point.

Nurse: I think this man's whole outlook doesn't make any sense.

Ellie: It does come as a shock to some folks but this is how we Italians run the Thanksgiving show.

Jo: I think his problems are a lot deeper than that. It's born from a lack of self esteem.

Pat: Do you know what mashed potatoes taste like? They taste like going home.

November 27, 2010 at 7:58 AM  
Blogger Ms Scarlet said...

Why mash when you can have roast? It doesn't make sense.
What do you put in your mash to make it so good?

November 27, 2010 at 9:51 AM  
Blogger CiCi said...

Lots of crazies driving around this country, not just in the midwest.
Have they always been here or have they just lost their brains lately?

November 27, 2010 at 11:44 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Scarlet: A bit of turkey gravy on the mashed and there you have it: a big plate of heaven.

TB: They're everywhere, that's for sure, but I don't recall them being quite so vocal and militant about it. Hope it's a passing phase and we can all get down to a dialogue without the pissyness.

November 27, 2010 at 4:18 PM  
Blogger Ponita in Real Life said...

With turkey, it's always mashed!! And Scarlet? You mash them with a big dollop of butter and some milk (or cream if you don't care about calories), whip them up to creamy smoothness, then ladle on some mouth watering gravy!

The spaghetti I can do without. Not with turkey around! Although up here, there's often cabbage rolls and perogies present (due to the large Ukranian population).

The redneck? I can live without that kind around... they just seem to get set off about things way too easily.

Oh! My word verification is "bookeric". Seems appropriate, somehow! :-)

November 28, 2010 at 1:19 AM  
Blogger Ms Scarlet said...

Ponita, have you seen our mash adverts? HERE
You can understand why we're not keen!

November 28, 2010 at 4:11 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Ponita: It's it interesting how the pockets of nationalities have an effect on our cuisine? There is, as you can imagine, a large Italian contingency here in Ohio. Thus, the pasta on Thanksgiving.

Scarlet: That's HYSTERICAL! Thanks!

November 28, 2010 at 8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget a A dallop of sour cream in the mash potato's.

November 28, 2010 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger Eryl said...

The meatballs look divine, worth risking the wrath of the note writer, even.

We have barmy people here too, who think anyone not like them is evil, they must live in constant fear.

November 29, 2010 at 2:16 AM  
Blogger Kono said...

I would have politely asked are pick up man what he thought about all those Canadians sneaking over the border, just for fun of course... and i don't care if the fridge was booby trapped those meatballs would have been gone, those plates of pasta have me drooling and thinking of St. Rocco's carnival.

November 29, 2010 at 7:50 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

MT: Sour cream is even too rich for me!

Eryl: I think I must live in a vacuum because I don't see many of these lunatics in my community.

Kono: You wouldn't touch those meatballs if you had to face the wrath of my sister. Trust me.

November 29, 2010 at 12:49 PM  

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