The Unbearable Banishment: Oh, so pretty

Monday, February 27, 2012

Oh, so pretty

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

* * *

I got got an extraordinarily short haircut on Saturday. Much shorter than what I'm used to. On the way home, I was looking at it in the rear view mirror and thought I looked a bit like a convict. I dismissed my critique and thought, who's going to pay any mind? Who's going to care?

I walked in the house and 10-Year Old Daughter, literally, stopped dead in her tracks and said, "OH, MY GOD! You look so WEIRD!" Knowing how vain I am, Mrs. Wife immediately sprung into damage control mode but it's no use. Kids speak the truth.

I now spend my time tugging on my hair, trying to get it to grow quicker by pulling it out of its follicles. It's a losing game.

* * *

I meditated on this latest deformity and realized that although I am fit and healthy in the broad sense of the term, I have a host of annoyances that are indicative of growing older. To wit:
  • The day after I go for a run, the bottom of my right heel hurts. I'm hoping it's because I run in old shoes and that it's not something more serious, like a bone spur. Whatever the hell that is.

  • When I walk up a flight of stairs, my knees crackle like a bowl of Rice Krispies right after you pour milk on them. No pain to report.

  • I pulled my left groin muscle last summer. It still hurts during my pre-workout stretching routing. Otherwise, I don't notice it so much.

  • I used to be able to drink coffee by the potful. Before we were old enough to get into bars, we'd sit in coffee shops and consume inhumane quantities. Today, my digestive system cannot cope with more than a cup or two per day.

  • My left shoulder has slight pain. I think it's because of the ergonomics (or lack thereof) of my desk space at work.

  • I don't know if it's the lighting or the monitor but if I work on our PC desktop at home for more than, say, :20 minutes, I'll get a massive throbbing headache and my eyeballs will pound for days afterwards. Each beat of my heart is a punch in the head. This is a serious problem.

  • My right hand used to cramp up into a claw because of carpal tunnel but I taught myself to manipulate a mouse with my left hand, so this is no longer an issue. I'm not sure what I'll do if my left hand decides to shut down.
I may have a murderously short haircut but at least it'll all eventually grow back (albeit, with a little more grey than I would like). So I've got that going for me.


Blogger Nimpipi said...

Picture of convict haircut, please? Promise I won't run away.

February 27, 2012 at 8:23 AM  
Blogger mapstew said...

Short hair? Ha! THAT ain't short hair!! :¬)

February 27, 2012 at 8:25 AM  
Blogger Ponita in Real Life said...

Map's right... HE's got "short" hair. ;-) I got a short haircut too. Not as short as Map's. Is it as short as yours????

Re: the heel pain? Get. New. Shoes. NOW. I have that pain. In both feet. 24/7 x almost 13 years. You so do NOT want it to become a chronic thing. The chronic pain has led to constant tingling too. I now have neuropathy in my feet and have to taken medication at bedtime to settle it down. I've done every treatment short of surgery. Not a thing has cured it. So look after your feet now!!! As they say, no hoof, no horse. We might have to take you out behind the barn and shoot you if it keeps up. ;-)

Get your eyes checked and see if you need glasses for the computer. That might do the trick. The rest of the stuff is probably you just getting older. Like the rest of us!

February 27, 2012 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Nimpipi: Hello, dear. I thought of posting a pic for a split second but decided against it. [See remark regarding vanity.]

map: Lot of nerve I've got complaining to you. But, seriously, lots of guys can get away with no hair. You happen to wear it well. But the look doesn't work for me. Take my word for it.

Ponita: That's the advice I got from the muscle-heads who run the gym. They asked how long I've been running in these shoes and I hate to admit it but it's been about 18 months. Plus, they're not "running" shoes. They're cross-trainers. They told me serious runners replace their shoes every six months!

February 27, 2012 at 8:41 AM  
Anonymous Dolce said...

Bloody hell, i wish I was in as good nick as you. *sigh*

Goes back to working borked shoulder and limping on borked ankle.

February 27, 2012 at 9:04 AM  
Blogger Sausage said...

Not to mention that hole in yer noggin!!!

February 27, 2012 at 10:45 AM  
Blogger Gnu Kid said...

ibuprofen. lots and lots of ibuprofen.

February 27, 2012 at 2:10 PM  
Blogger Titus said...

It is all, of course, so relative.

Short hair is the ultimate funky, revel in it!

February 27, 2012 at 3:46 PM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

my ex-husband hated shaving, and often sported this gigantic 'Grizzly Adams'-style beard. When he would shave it? He looked like a total weenie due to the drastic change in his facial proportions...

When the kids were older? They'd point and laugh like hell. But my favorite 'beard shaving reaction'? His dog barked at him for about a half hour because she didn't believe it was him!

February 27, 2012 at 5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awe come on-sport the new dew!

February 27, 2012 at 5:17 PM  
Blogger savannah said...

it's called metro sexual chic or so i've told, sugar! (come on take a pic and post it! we're all pals here!) xoxoxoxo

February 27, 2012 at 7:31 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Dolce: Nick. Borked. Two SA euphemisms in one comment. You are a thoroughbred commentor.

SF: You remember! How nice! Sadly, it's just a fading scar.

Gnu: Thanks for the tip. I'll fill up a Pez dispenser and carry it in my bag.

Titus: I need my hair. I have a Sampson like quality and I feel nekked without it.

February 27, 2012 at 7:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your knees crack going UP stairs? Mine only do it when I'm descending them.

February 28, 2012 at 2:58 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

daisy: What's it like kissing someone with a big Ohio beard like that? Don't you get a big mouthful of hair?

MT: You know how I feel about my personal appearance.

Sav: No! No pics! Well...maybe if everyone promises not to laugh.

nurse: Between the two of us we have one good set of knees.

February 28, 2012 at 6:57 AM  
Anonymous Sid said...

I knew I was get old when I friend asked me to watch a movie with her during the week. The movie started at 20:00, which I considered "indecent". I just kept thinking, "But then I'll be home at 23:00, and I have work tomorrow."

February 28, 2012 at 8:04 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

i know i speak for all of us, sugar, when i swear to you no one will laugh! xoxoxoxox

February 29, 2012 at 6:57 AM  
Blogger JZ said...

Get a trackball for the carpal switching from PC to Mac, it can be wired at first, but it takes the stress off the wrist...I will bet the life of my unborn child on a trackball's superiority to a mouse...once you understand it, you'll wonder how the world has been hoodooed into using mice (mouses?).

February 29, 2012 at 11:05 AM  
Blogger JZ said...

wired = weird. Damn smart phone corrective text...

February 29, 2012 at 11:07 AM  
Anonymous dinahmow said...

The difference between a bad haircut and a good one? A couple of weeks!

Ratty old shoes aren't worth the damage.

February 29, 2012 at 9:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a "number two" once. (I don't know if you count hair lengths in this way over there, but it's about half a centimetre.)

I was a bit alarmed when I first saw it but I looked a bit hard. Being a 9st arts graduate I don't normally feel that I have much of a physical presence, so it was a nice feeling for a couple of weeks.

M- don't know if you're aware of this but when I click on your link in a comments box I get the following message. I have to type in your URL manually to get past it.

Congratulations Youtube User!

You are the Solihull [town near Birmingham in the Midlands] winner for March 1, 2012.

Please select a prize and enter your email to claim.

I know I'm getting old because captchas have suddenly got a lot more difficult in 2012.

March 1, 2012 at 2:44 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Sid: You're too young to be old. When did you become so conservative? What happened to that girl riding in the car singing "Party in the U.S.A.?

Sav: I took a few pics and was going to post one but they were all so heinous that I simply couldn't do it.

JZ: My boss uses a trackball and swears by it. Your PC-to-Mac metaphor reeks of Mac snobbery. You wear it well!

dinah: That is usually my philosophy as well but we're coming up on a full week and I still look like a clown.

looby: It's called a buzz cut here and the last time I had one was when I was about 8 years old. It looks like Blogger changed their method of entering captchas. It has become far more difficult. I might turn the damn thing off.

March 1, 2012 at 7:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

gudamn hilarious

March 1, 2012 at 5:33 PM  
Blogger JZ said...

no Mac snobbery here. I've just been a user for so long, my snobbery is the result of being extemely happy with the products I use. For what it's worth, however, I don't know many Mac users who switch to PC and when they get over the intial hump, make proclamations about how they wish they switched earlier. Just an observation. Plus, nothing coordinates better with my architect's couture...

March 1, 2012 at 7:43 PM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

it was like sticking my face in a bucket of steel wool. hated it. but he barely trimmed it. well "man-scaped" facial hair is an entirely different thing...

March 1, 2012 at 9:12 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

My last haircut was awful! I'm also pulling at it to make it grow. AARRRGGG!

Re: pain in heel, could be plantar fasciatus (spelling? and, yes, whatever the hell that is? A pain in the arse to get rid of .... so it's not bad now, do look it up and start the stretching exercises they recommend for it. Took me 2 years to get over it!)

March 4, 2012 at 4:21 PM  

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