The Unbearable Banishment: Tools and Labotomies

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Tools and Labotomies

I'm having the half bath gutted and turned into a full bath. With so many women under my roof, what choice do I have? What a mess!

Look at the power tools the construction crew left on my carpet: 

Drills and chisels and saws! Oh, my! What a bunch of tough sons-of-bitches. I admire guys who make their living with their hands. They have useful skills. At work, I ride up in the elevator with investment bankers who have manicured nails and smell pretty. I wonder when it all went wrong?

My work tools are a keyboard and a mouse. I'm such a Nancy when it comes to this sort of thing. The contents of my tool box are a complete mystery to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again; the only useful item in my toolbox is a checkbook. And clean and scale a fish? Forget it.

*     *     *

Man, I hate Greece. Now, there's a bunch of Nancys! Their fiscal problems are all self-inflicted and they're dragging the rest of us innocents down with them. I just read that because of austerity measures, there will be fewer resources for disabled people. According the the Greek Labor Ministry, the following people are all considered disabled:

Pyromaniacs, compulsive gamblers, fetishists, sadomasochists, pedophiles, exhibitionists and kleptomaniacs.

Pedophiles! I'll never visit Greece. I don't care how beautiful their beaches are.

*     *     *

I live in Mayberry. Mayberry is the fictional setting for The Andy Griffith Show. It's considered the archetypal 1950s small town with friendly neighbors who help one another. And no minorities.

I lost my keys. I tore the house apart but couldn't find them. I rationalized that it could have been worse. It could have been my wallet or my iPhone that went missing.

Two days later, Mrs. Wife got a call from the local police. They had my keys. Apparently, I dropped them while walking the dog. Someone found them and contacted the police. The police were able to locate me because there's a tag for my gym on the key fob. They called the gym and the gym gave them my phone number. Wheels within wheels!

Losing your keys is such a cliché. It's what old people do. Or people who have had a lobotomy. Good thing I live in Mayberry.

Now I guess I'll have to tell 'em
That I got no cerebellum.

Teenage Lobotomy
The Ramones


Blogger tennysoneehemingway said...

I think something like that would happen in my neighbourhood too. It's the only time I've lived somewhere that I know all my neighbours. Kinda weird but in a really good way. We even go to each other's houses and have barbeques. I like it.

May 3, 2012 at 10:27 PM  
Blogger Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

The work looks good, and from what you say with all of those women, you definitely need more bathroom and primping spaces.

I work with computers all day, but my hobby is DIY and quality woodworking. I enjoy it so much that I've told my Beloved that I intend to start wood-turning after I retire in the not-so-distant future.

Greece: Any country that delibarately puts pine resin into wine deserves everything it gets. Didn't they invent pedophila?

Your town of Mayberry sounds lovely. Is it like Brattlebro where Austan lives?

Anywhere they go to so much trouble to return your stuff must be great to live in.

May 3, 2012 at 10:28 PM  
Blogger savannah said...

ok. LOL xoxoxoxo

May 3, 2012 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

I would seriously consider a plumber for my third husband.

One of my sons was constantly
losing both keys and wallet. It was quite a relief when he acquired a wife to take charge.
Greece was my spiritual home. Don't be too hard on the Greeks - the ordinary people are lovely - the politicians a shower.
And why the hell don't we give them back their marbles?

May 4, 2012 at 5:14 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

hem: It IS nice. I resisted when I first got here because I thought I was a sophisticated New Yorker and wasn't supposed to be nice but I'm glad The Daughters are growing up in such a place.

TSB: Where'd you learn all that DIY stuff? That's one of the holes in my eduction. But I can form a proper E chord on a guitar. That's not terribly useful but it's fun.

sav: Laughs, as always, are free of charge.

Pat: Guys like plumbers and electricians keep the world from going insane. I think we should hold the Elgin marbles ransom until they get their fiscal house in order. The ordinary Greeks elected those clowns into office. Just like we did with that idiot George Bush.

May 4, 2012 at 5:51 AM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

the trades are becoming a lost art here in the US of A. welders, electricians, plumbers, HVAC - getting any of these skills guarantees a living wage for life.

i get pissed off that more women don't pick up trades - but they'll bitch all day long about wage inequality. grrr...

May 4, 2012 at 7:16 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Get a torch. Nothing will make you feel manly like having a torch. No need to tell everyone you only use it for cooking.

May 4, 2012 at 9:00 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

daisy: Tragically, women are not encouraged to take up a trade. Some break through the stereotype but too many buy into the junk that society spews out and never consider it.

Chris: I got a big drill and left it lying around for everyone to see but so far it hasn't helped with my image problem. You should see me in Home Depot. I wander around with a blank look on my face like a lost child.

May 4, 2012 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Here In Franklin said...

See--and here I was thinking all of New Jersey was mobsters, Real Housewives and overly-tanned Shore people.

May 4, 2012 at 3:05 PM  
Blogger mapstew said...

Ya shoulda got our pal over to do the work, and he might have picked up the 'wee singin' fella' on the way to help. And we all could have gone bar-hopping and .., maybe not.

You can play E? My favourite!

Was out with Paul(the plumber) for our usual Thursday drinkfest last night, he spent quite a bit of time fixin' leaks and such in NY, and working in a bar at night. The tales!

Yes, the girls DO grow up and spend a LOT of time in the bathroom! :¬)

May 4, 2012 at 7:01 PM  
Blogger Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

"Where'd you learn all that DIY stuff? "
I went to an academic school, where practical subjects like wood and metal working were not taught. After I got married, we had no money, so I porowed a book from the library and taught myself. It's not really that complicated.

My biggest projects were making a wooden wardrobe which was 2.5 metres high, and 5 metres wide, all with true joints and not one screw or nail.
I also built a new bathroom and a shower cubicle from scratch.

I actually find working with my hands very theraputic. It's pure problem solving without the bloody people.

May 4, 2012 at 7:05 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

HIF: Don't believe the hype!

map: I like your idea but do you suppose he could get the plumbing and electrical work done BEFORE the festivities? And as far as the girlies, I expect I'll eventually be demoted to using an outhouse.

TSB: You're like a caveman. The kind of guy who used to relieve me of my lunch money and my girlfriends! I jest. Those are admirable (and necessary) skills.

May 4, 2012 at 10:19 PM  
Anonymous nursemyra said...

If you'd come to Greece with daisyfae, dolce and me you wouldn't hate their beaches ;-)

May 4, 2012 at 10:50 PM  
Blogger JZ said...

I do not do it much, but when I build something (even if its installing a closet rod), I realize how happy I am with my body and mind in synch. You should try it sometime. The trick is to be patient and don't try to do more than your skill set will allow in the time you have allotted. There's some Buddhist wisdom up in that. And practice does make....well, you better. I won't say anybody can be a great builder, but anybody can be a competent builder. But hire the plumber and electrician...too specialized!

May 5, 2012 at 7:46 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

nurse: But those conditions have nothing to do with Greece! We might just as well go to Fairbanks, Alaska. We'd have the same dun trip.

JZ: Oh, I've tried, brother. I refer you back to my post about the wall patch in my bathroom. That's the extent of my skill set.

May 5, 2012 at 8:58 AM  
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November 10, 2012 at 12:09 PM  

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