The Unbearable Banishment: Look what they've done to our <i>baby</i>!

Monday, December 31, 2012

Look what they've done to our baby!

Here is fluffy, cuddly, cute-as-a-teddy Coco:

Here's the same dog after we picked her up from our insane dog groomer:

Sweet Mother of Jesus! I simply cannot stop laughing. Just look at the humiliated, "How could you do this to me?" expression in her eyes. Every time I hear "Shut up, Dad! It's not funny!" I laugh harder. Hang in there, Coco. I know what it's like to suffer a bad haircut. It'll grow back. But that's cold comfort today.

*     *     *

Katie Holmes is my new pretend girlfriend. For a long time, Mary Louise Parker was my pretend girlfriend. Mary Louise has the pretty face and girl-next-door looks I swoon over. I saw her in a few plays. Sat damn close to the stage, too. On more than one occasion, we made eye contact. I’m sure of it. We had a moment of mutual understanding. I was hers. She was mine. It's no matter that she had a baby with that barbarian Billy Crudup. That boy. That oaf. We still had an understanding about each other.

I once had a brief flirtation with Marisa Tomei. She tried to steal me away from Mary Louise. Same modus operandi. We locked eyes when she was on stage and I sat in the second row. It was an electric moment. For a while after that, all I thought about was being with Marisa. But I went back to Mary Louise. Crudup abandoned her for bony old Claire Danes. While she was pregnant, no less! I couldn’t abandon her, too.

But I’m sorry, Mary Louise. I just saw Katie Holmes in a play and I belong to her now. What a face! I love her crooked little smile. Her button nose. We couldn't lock eyes because I sat in row P. I had to use my theater binoculars to even see her eyes. But the feeling was absolutely electric, absolutely present in the house and absolutely correct. She is mine.

Her hair is long now. Did you know!? Three quarters of the way down her back. Throughout the play, her hair was in a ponytail. In the last scene, she wanted to make her desire known to some idiot boy on stage, so she whipped off her ponytail band and fluffed her hair through splayed fingers. She shook it out and although it didn’t happen in slow motion, that's how I replay it in my mind’s eye. I think she did that just for me. Don’t you?

I was so smitten that it wasn't until an hour after the final curtain that I realized the play wasn't very good. Her acting was serviceable if not, dare I say?, a bit flat. That evening, they had announced an early closing date due to mixed-to-poor reviews and declining ticket sales, which would account for the dispirited performances.

Earlier in the day that rag, the New York Daily News, splashed across its front page the fact that Tom Cruise was dating some hatchet-faced skank who lives out in Queens. They made a big deal out of him dating someone “…right in Katie’s back yard!” That, plus the early closing of her play? She needs a sympathetic ear. Someone to bring her a cup of hot cocoa with a marshmallow on top.

*     *     *

Happy New Year, bitches! At 6:40 a.m., Times Square was already in semi-lockdown mode. As usual, I'll be hiding under my bed.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor Coco really does look disgruntled with her new hair cut. I wouldn't take her back there again; they could have at lease left a little "fluff" on top. As for Katie I always thought she was just a naturally beautiful girl. Stick with her.
Have a great New Years I am sure 2013 has got to be better than 2012! I leave 2012 with no regrets only lessons learned and a stronger person.....

December 31, 2012 at 11:01 AM  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I do hope Katie doesn't give a damn about whomever Tom Cruise is dating. Marrying Tom should be like catching a cold - something you don't miss when it's over. Maybe you should introduce Coco to Katie. If a woman strokes your pooch, you've got to first base.

December 31, 2012 at 11:05 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

There's NOTHING to fluff! She's a skinhead.

I think your '12 was a much rougher ride than my '12. At least you didn't end your year like Coco did. Humiliated and bald.

December 31, 2012 at 11:11 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

She ran away from Tom as quickly as her sensible, anti-Scientology feet could take her. I can't imagine she cares a whit who he sees. Katie and I could share a laugh over Coco's misfortune. It could be our bonding agent.

December 31, 2012 at 11:13 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

my comments are disappearing!!!

December 31, 2012 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

That one didn't.

December 31, 2012 at 11:19 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

ok, now it published? wtf? anyway, poor coco! how could you? and in the dead of winter, too! *laughing my ass off here* poor puppy, but yea for katie, right? *L* happy new year, sweet pea! xoxoxox

December 31, 2012 at 11:20 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

so i see! i thought i left one the other day and it disappeared. *sigh* xoxox

December 31, 2012 at 11:21 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Ready for the kicker? We paid MONEY to have that done to her! Imagine! The winter angle didn't get by us, either. She comes in from the cold vibrating.

Safe travels to you.

December 31, 2012 at 11:33 AM  
Blogger Furtheron said...

Poor Coco!

December 31, 2012 at 11:40 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

The hell with Coco! Poor me! I'm out $58.60! (Cut, shampoo, pedicure. Humiliation was no charge.)

December 31, 2012 at 12:25 PM  
Blogger Ms Scarlet said...

I am looking you in the eye, do we have an understanding?!
Yep, Katie did well to be rid of Tom... even rotten reviews probably don't hamper the relief she feels to be free of him... and Coco reminds me of me after a haircut, but it grows quick!
Happy New Year, Mr Banish!!

December 31, 2012 at 1:21 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

We COULD have an understanding. Do you know how to flip your hair just so and have a devilish look in your eye?

Happy New Year to you, as well. Please write more posts in 2013.

December 31, 2012 at 1:37 PM  
Blogger dinahmow said...

OH my good gods! For a moment there, I thought you were warm for Sarah Jessica Parker! Whew! That would have been really finding a horse head in your bed!

Poor little dog!Go out RIGHT NOW and buy her a swanky, up-town coat.

December 31, 2012 at 3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor pup, in the middle of winter too. That is the same expression my cats give me when I've forgotten to let them in when it starts raining.
It might take Katie some time to thaw out- de-zombify- and get her emotions back to act well.

December 31, 2012 at 3:39 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

SJP [that's what the New York hipsters call her] never did it for me. She's girl-next-door-to-the-shopping-mall. Not pure enough. Looks like a high maintenance pain in the ass.

December 31, 2012 at 3:42 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Again--what's with this poor pup stuff? I paid a fortune for that mess. What about MY loss?

I used to date a lot of actresses. They all pour their pain into their acting. Instead of being distracted, she could have used it to turn in an epic performance. But I understand. "We're closing your show early because not enough people are buying tickets" is a jagged little pill. Plus, she's my Katie. How could I not understand?

December 31, 2012 at 3:48 PM  
Blogger dinahmow said...

Well, down here she's called "Horse Face."
Have you bought that dog coat yet?

December 31, 2012 at 6:09 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

That strikes me as kind of mean. You guys play rough. First time I've ever felt sorry for SJP!

No coat for Coco. Might not get her one, either. Let her know who she's stuck with, I say.

December 31, 2012 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger OldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL...Love this post! It was so filled with love and disdain, ALL at the same time...! I'm happy for you that you have a "new Love"....It is a shame the play did not run...!

Your dear dog Coco...How could the Groomer do that to such a Beauty? I WOULD SUE!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, My Friend...!

December 31, 2012 at 9:31 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Love and disdain is the very essence of not only my blog but my life! Suing is an excellent idea. I'd consult an attorney but I'm laughing too hard to dial the phone. Happy New Year to you, too. Pleased to meet your acquaintance.

December 31, 2012 at 11:04 PM  
Blogger mapstew said...

Tom Cruise? I can't even look at pictures of that bollix! He makes my blood boil.

WHY the fuck did you do that to a cuddly critter? Poor Coco. If I showed these pics to my youngest she would have the same feelings for you as I have for Tom Fuckface!

HNY pal! :¬)

December 31, 2012 at 11:16 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Hello Map! In from the evening festivities I see. I would have given the world to hear you sing tonight. Hope it went well.

Tragic about the dog. Just think about the amount of $$$ we'll save. She won't need a cut until August.

January 1, 2013 at 8:33 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

just so you know, everybody here saw poor coco and first, everyone said, "poor coco" and then, laughed like hyenas and agreed with you! or as one of the krewe said, "now THAT's some funny shit!" you're aces with the krewe, baby! ;~) xoxo

January 1, 2013 at 3:09 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I love entertaining the krewe! Absolutely no charge -- unless I'm passing through town, in which case you can buy me an icy cold draft.

January 1, 2013 at 3:23 PM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

That dog needs a coat. And a hat. Or perhaps a paper bag to wear until the facial fur grows back. Reminds me of when my ex-husband would shave off his winter beard - the dogs would bark at him, the kids would laugh and i'd become well acquainted with hiding my giggles as we got used to his shaved face...

And this DOES mean that MLP is now ALL MINE! You can have the giddy -- VERY RICH -- ex-Mrs. Cruise. i don't feel too sorry for her. she cleaned him out. nice work if you're pretty enough to get it...

January 1, 2013 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Paper bag comment made me do a spit-take. You're the best. That dog is going to suffer publicly, but we will buy her some clothing for the cold months ahead.

You can have my sloppy fantasy seconds and claim MLP. Mitts off of my sweet Katie, please.

January 1, 2013 at 5:55 PM  
Blogger mapstew said...

I'm more sober tonight (yeah!) and still think you are a cruel bastid to do that to a helpless little animal! May Dog forgive ya! :¬)

January 1, 2013 at 9:51 PM  
Blogger Kono said...

Wait, was that $58.60? i'll do that shit for half the price... since i rarely see a flick or play i don't really have any movie star crush, though i'd share a spliff with MLP and see if i could talk her out of her skirt.

January 2, 2013 at 9:13 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Finally! Someone who sympathizes with me instead of the dog! Thanks, brother.

100% true story: Way (WAY!) back when I first moved to NYC, I had a friend who was a guitar player. This guy went on a couple dates with MLP. He bailed out on her. Now, she's MLP and he's nowhere to be seen.

January 2, 2013 at 1:28 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

Ha! All of Tom Cruise's paramours become much more attractive and impressive after they dump his ass. She'll be just fine.

January 2, 2013 at 5:39 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

But will she be "just fine" without my assistance? Methinks not.

January 2, 2013 at 6:15 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

'Your baby' who you originally disliked - looks just like a miniature dachshund - Brunette - we used to have in the family. BTW you seem to have a penchant for brunettes.

January 2, 2013 at 6:46 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Don't make any assumptions. Liking that dog is still a long ways away for me. I was assured that I'd fall in love with her but it hasn't quite happened yet. I'm not 100% confident that it ever will.

You might be interested to know that Mrs. Wife has ginger hair. I take on all comers. I don't discriminate.

January 2, 2013 at 7:44 PM  
Anonymous Sid said...

Great now I just had to Google who Tom Cruise is currently dating.

January 3, 2013 at 12:43 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Hello Sid! Long time no see. Still in South Africa, I presume? If your Google search was successful, you'll see that Tom traded down from my Katie. Serves him right for promoting a cult.

January 3, 2013 at 5:45 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

The wee doggy has the kind of eyes that belong on a beautiful woman... perfect photie my friend.

January 3, 2013 at 12:24 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

It's a thin line between kind eyes and sad, what-have-you-done-to-me eyes. She is recovering and I have finally stopped laughing when I walk in the door at night.

January 3, 2013 at 1:14 PM  

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