The Unbearable Banishment: Heartaches Ahoy

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Heartaches Ahoy

This one will date a sensitive singer/songwriter poet.

This one will date a member of Hell's Angels.

I honestly can't decide which fate is more harrowing. My nocturnal mind races and I conjure up all the unavoidable heartaches they're going to experience. I move quickly from Lifetime Network heartbreak-of-the-week sob stories to bloody Tarintino revenge fantasies. I know exactly what guys are after. I used to be a guy before I got married and I'm well acquainted with the agenda. How do I keep my temper in check? My understanding is that the more you point out what a creep someone is, the more they'll gravitate towards said creep. Girls, is that true? If so, it defies logic and gravity. This is going to be an acute problem, especially if she really does end up dating a biker. The poet I'm not worried about.

*     *     *

I plopped my ass in a seat in Carnegie Hall's Weill Recital Hall to hear an all-Bach piano recital, which would be a super-boring evening for pretty much everyone, but it's catnip for me. Bach is my guy. (Well...him and Rush.) I can get pretty lost in his shit and, boy, did I need it. 

Carnegie Hall has these weird, other-worldly acoustics. The silence is thick and heavy. When he plays a quiet passage, he gently caresses the keys and the notes float in the air like tiny snowflakes.When he hammers the keys you can feel it in your chest, especially in the lower registers. When a movement ends, he holds the keys down and you can hear the notes sloooowly fade until they're barely audible. Then he picks his hands up off the keyboard and, I swear to God, you can hear the pads lift off the piano strings and the keys settle into their up position. For real. And the crowd in Carnegie Hall knows how to SHUT UP during the performance. There's nothing like it. Not my typical Thursday night.

All Bach. Check it out:

*     *     *


Blogger dinahmow said...

Sometimes, a little Bach is what the world needs.I'd like to listen to Mr. Bengston.
I have no good answers for your nightmare scenarios, except to say...not all poets are pussy cats.Oh, no!

January 13, 2013 at 9:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am I one of the first to the party here for once? Woot!
I wouldn't worry too much about your girls. It's usually the ones with absentee father issues that end up dating crazy guys (I would know, ha.) Still, raising girls is terrifying business.
Did you mean Rush the band or Rush Limbaugh, just curious :)

January 13, 2013 at 10:46 PM  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Poets can be bad boys - Dylan Thomas boasted that he got his future wife into bed 10 minutes after meeting her (she was 18). He cheated on her frequently after they married. My advice is to be cool and wise rather than overprotective. Girls don't like dating guys who are obviously inferior to their dads.

Glad to hear that Bach brought some peace to your soul! Wasn't he more famous for his organ and harpsichord music? Beethoven is my guy for the piano.

January 14, 2013 at 2:41 AM  
Blogger OldLady Of The Hills said...

Have faith that your girls will know who is a creep and who isn't. With you as their dad, they know who a GOOD Man is...It will serve them well.

Bach...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him. When I was a kid, my piano teacher told me, 'one day you will LOVE Bach'....She was right. And I don't remember when that happened, but it spades, and not long after she said that, I might add!! The concert sounds GLORIOUS!!!

January 14, 2013 at 4:31 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I rely on a fairly steady diet of Bach to keep me sane. It's cheaper than therapy and just as effective.

January 14, 2013 at 5:41 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

All I do is worry about those two! I finally found something I'm good at and now you're telling me not to do it. That's some advice. Rush Limbaugh? Rush LIMBAUGH?! Slowly I turned...

January 14, 2013 at 5:46 AM  
Blogger mapstew said...

I'm a (good) few years ahead of you on the 'who will date the daughters' front. I won't give the whole game away, but, it doesn't always work out the way of our nightmares.

No my friend, It's worse!

'This one will date a sensitive singer/songwriter poet.'

(I'm joking, of course. Don't worry pal, those two will continue to grow into wonderful people who will always adore Daddy!)


January 14, 2013 at 5:54 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Fortunately there is Mrs UB to - occasionally - share the load.
As for Dylan Thomas - Caitlin could more than handle herself after modelling for Augustus John as a teen ager.
Yet another tragic couple - deadly to each other - like Scott and Zelda.
Love the photos of the girls which illustrate your point.

January 14, 2013 at 6:41 AM  
Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

I remember when the ex I lived with for all of 3 weeks performed his horror show, one of the first things I thought of was "my mum's going to say I told you so".

She never did. And I know my mum wasn't ever too keen on him. But I'm entirely grateful that she or my dad never said as much, because it would have only made the whole thing worse. And wouldn't have stopped me anyway.

If it's any consolation, any impending heartbreak will strengthen your girls and make them more rounded, and (I think) less dependent on having a man around to make them happy. People who have been heartbroken always seem to have a more realistic view about the world.

January 14, 2013 at 7:02 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Thomas was bad. Bukowski was bad. But I'm not worried. Most poets are navel-gazing daisy-pluckers. A guy who ride Harley might provide a little more push-back.

Beethoven is too bombastic for me. A quiet passage and then, out of nowhere, a punch in the face. It's schizo. And I've always thought of Bach as a piano guy but you could be correct.

January 14, 2013 at 7:04 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I may look like a good dad on paper but I'm flying without an owner's manual and continue to make ridiculous and obvious mistakes. But thanks for your vote of confidence.

That concert was a privilege to hear that was enhanced by the venue. But I went alone because I could see how most people would find it dull, dull, dull.

January 14, 2013 at 7:08 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Never mind keeping it to yourself! Send all the advice you can muster! I suppose they'll always adore Dad but I'm less concerned with being adored than I am keeping them safe and unharmed. It's a good thing your in-laws were more tolerant than I'll be. Otherwise, you might not be with Mrs. Map. A lead singer! Heaven help me!

January 14, 2013 at 7:11 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

These thoughts have been pinging around inside my head for quite some time, but it's only after scrolling through my iPhone photos that this post was born. Inspiration is an unscheduled event. They are accurate depictions of their respective personalities.

January 14, 2013 at 7:15 AM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

careful with the stereotypes, my dear. i know some absolutely delightful human beings wrapped in leather and disguised as badass bikers. and i know FAR too many assmonkeys wrapped in suits, wearing shiny italian loafers.

my mother loved the pretty, ass-kissing muscle-boy i spent time with during the summer after high school - if she had any idea what a brute he was? she'd have called the cops. but the man i later married? long hair. quiet. she didn't warm up to him for a few years.

January 14, 2013 at 7:18 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

You mum is smart. I'm glad she didn't rub it in. I will never, ever say "I told you so" to the girls. It's mean. I might imply it, though. I know this is cold comfort, but the horror show could have gone on for three years instead of three weeks. Or three decades. That happens, unfortunately.

I've had my heart broken dozens and dozens of times and I hate it. I'd like to protect the girlies from these episodes but it's simply not possible unless I lock them in the basement. That's unreasonable, right?

January 14, 2013 at 7:21 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

But reducing everyone to a nice, neat stereotype is one of my finely honed skills. Prejudice isn't a natural occurrence. It's got to be nurtured and refined. So now you're telling me I can't rely on it? Pish. Where does that leave me? Without a superpower. Okay. You're right. Back to the laboratory.

January 14, 2013 at 7:24 AM  
Blogger mapstew said...

'A lead singer! Heaven help me!'

Don't forget the shaved heid, and the tattoos! :¬)

January 14, 2013 at 8:41 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

And the snarl. I'm especially afeared of the snarl. Worst of all is the talent. Women are such suckers for talent.

January 14, 2013 at 8:46 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

3 sons and 1 daughter. i have no advice to offer because in the end, The Daughters will be the women they want to be, you and Mrs Wife will always worry and wonder if you did the right thing, but in the end, i promise you, it will all play out as it is supposed to. (it's monday, sugar, what can i say?) xoxoxox

January 14, 2013 at 9:35 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

What?! That's all you got for me?! It's out of my hands?! Okay. I'm going to trust what you said about it playing out as it should. But in this matter, I am not of a mind to sit idly by and just watch as events unfold. Surely the'll always want my opinion. Won't they?

January 14, 2013 at 9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You said it was your other "guy" which is singular, hence the confusion :P You seem far too reasonable a person to ever dive into that particular cesspool of misinformation.. but I can't be one to judge

January 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Jesus I wonder if anyone else is thinking that?! I hope not. What a nightare! The three guys who comprise Rush are masters of their craft. They transcend mere individualism and form one entity. Hence, the singular reference.

January 14, 2013 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You cannae fully protect them against 'bad boys' as they grow up my friend, but you can be there when they call you in tears at 2am wanting their da.

Looking back my size (not to mention my tram line face) tended to act as a warning to any yin looking to get more than was on offer.

Practice your hard man stare in the mirror, if that fails, try an oul party trick of an acquaintance of mine... chewing on a broken glass. It never fails.

January 14, 2013 at 2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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January 14, 2013 at 2:55 PM  
Blogger savannah said...

sure, darlin...*sigh* but you really have to wait until they ask for it and even then, well, at some point...maybe, the MITM can give you a better answer about daughters. xoxoxo

January 14, 2013 at 7:46 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Shakespeare said "know thyself" and if there's one thing I know about myself is that I don't have a hard man stare. I hate to resort to party tricks but if that's what it takes. At least I can assist with the meltdowns. I can string together a few comforting sentences as well as anyone.

January 14, 2013 at 7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

N/m I figured out how to fix it!

January 15, 2013 at 12:53 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

i went back and tried to fix it but couldn't find the comment! Very shortly thereafter I gave up, which seems to be my ninja skill. Giving up.

January 15, 2013 at 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It'll all start happening soon with mine too (they're 14 now) and it does feel like walking into the dark. I just want them to enjoy what they do, don't get pregnant, and don't ever let a man raise his hand to you, nor try to control you.

That's the theory--the practice will no doubt be a bit harder.

I go to a lot of concerts on my own. It spoils it for me if I'm worried about the other person enjoying it. I'm happy as Larry sitting through an hour-long Bruckner symphony, but if someone expressed an interest, I'd gently probe them first to see whether they' *really* are that interested.

January 16, 2013 at 4:43 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Chris Rock has a great bit about his new mission in life is to keep his daughter "off the pole," meaning, out of strip clubs. And that's the truth. I'll try to explain how an unwanted pregnancy can pretty much ruin everything for them. The man will disappear. Sad fact.

I like people (sort of) but there's a real joy to attending these things alone. I can show up early to read the program and not have to worry if anyone is bored. Plus, if it's a bad show, I am at liberty to leave at the interval. Try doing that with someone or, worse, a group of people in tow.

January 16, 2013 at 7:22 AM  
Blogger Furtheron said...

Who'd be a parent to a girl hey?

Mine is 17 now. Learning to drive, looking a unis and making a list for open days, boyfriends... etc. Nightmare!!! Actually the latest boyfriend who has been on the scene a couple of months (officially as a couple a month) is ok. Nice lad. Doesn't stop me wanting to pin him against a wall and hold large sharp knife to his throat and tell him "If you EVER hurt my little girl I'll kill you!" But hey I can't do that have to let her live and learn even the painful stuff. Actually her Mum was younger than her when I met her (she was 16 I was 18) and 32 years later we are still together so what do I know?

January 17, 2013 at 6:49 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Until you mentioned it, I never considered the fact that my daughters would actually learn to drive one day. What a panic! Thanks a lot. I think your in-laws should kiss the ground you trod upon for your long, faithful service. My in-laws do something else to the ground I trod upon.

January 17, 2013 at 8:16 AM  
Blogger Kono said...

I have nothing to offer, i have boys, though i did just talk to a guy who's 18yr old daughter took him to meet her new boyfriend who turned out to be their 45yr old long-time neighbor, who then proceeded to tell the dad how he really loved his daughter but how she screwed everyone in town every time he left on business, but hey good luck with all that.

January 19, 2013 at 9:12 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Thanks for planting that seed in my head. Pal.

January 19, 2013 at 10:03 AM  

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