The Unbearable Banishment: anti-climax (don’t you hate those?)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

anti-climax (don’t you hate those?)

I answered a subpoena and visited the City of New York District Attorney’s office thinking I was going to testify in front of a Grand Jury.

Unbeknownst to me, the Assistant District Attorney decided she wasn’t ready to present the case to the Grand Jury just yet. There were some loose ends she needed to tie up. Apparently, this is a fairly large grand larceny case and they didn’t want to leave anything to chance. My appearance turned into an interview (interrogation is too strong a word to use) with the ADA, two NYPD Detectives and a DA flunky.

I was amongst about a dozen witnesses who are connected to this case. We sat on hard wooden benches in a small hallway and waited our turn to be interviewed. Small talk was exhausted fairly quickly. I got there at 9:30 a.m. and wasn’t called in to interview until 1:30.

I was finally escorted into the DA’s government-issued office (i.e., no wood paneling or stately views of downtown Manhattan. Just blue/grey painted walls and cheap metal furniture.). When I sat in the hot seat, the ADA said, “This is the guy I’ve been waiting to meet.”

Pour quoi? I wondered.

Apparently, amongst the dozen or so witnesses, I am the only person who is able to identify the one of the thieves on site. I’m the only one who actually caught him in the act and stepped forward. The thieves stole from gym locker rooms and since it’s illegal to have cameras in public locker rooms, there is no video evidence. I’m all they’ve got.

I’ve always wanted to distinguish myself from the commoners, but this isn’t what I had in mind.

I was told that should this case go to trial (a likelihood, at this point) I would be their key witness. I have to let them know if I leave town. I was assured that there is no danger.

* * *

I didn’t bring my cell phone jammer with me because I knew that in order to get inside the New York County District Attorney’s Office I'd have to pass through a metal detector. The District Attorney’s office is the LAST place I wanted to get caught with a potentially illegal device. I had to suffer the cell phone calls of fools on the train back to New Jersey.

Here’s how bad it’s gotten: While waiting for my track number to post, if someone nearby is participating in a particularly loud and noxious cell phone call, I’ll follow him/her onto my train, sit directly behind them and make sure that he/she doesn’t make the ride unpleasant for my fellow passengers. Studies (my studies) have shown that improper cell phone use in the train station ALWAYS translates to improper use once on board the train.

Please don't judge me. My motivations, believe it or not, are completely altruistic.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

They made the star witness wait for 4 hours?! No wonder more people don't want to get involved.

I love your cell phone jammer stories but something just occurred to me, why don't you just use an MP3 player to drown out loud cell phone talkers?

February 25, 2009 at 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Captain T. Justice Jammer holds to his principles... for the greater good, of course!

February 25, 2009 at 12:00 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Pop: "why don't you just use an MP3 player to drown out loud cell phone talkers?"

Where’s the fun in that?

Truthfully, I spend most of my train time either reading or typing out idiot blog entries, neither of which is easy to do when someone is ranting into their cell phone. I don’t listen to nearly as much music as I use to.

Daisy: That’s right, baby. I’m here for the love of the common man.

February 25, 2009 at 2:01 PM  
Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Monsieur Unbearable, you are fooling no one. That little cheeky smile that creeps over your face every time one of your victims goes "OH BLADY HELL. WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SODDIN' THING" (or possibly something a bit more american) means that your acts, whilst pleasing for others, are NOT altruistic. But thats ok, we'll forgive you because it makes for funny blogtime.

February 25, 2009 at 3:40 PM  
Blogger A Free Man said...

Have you never watched mob movies? The Sopranos? Do you know what happens to witnesses? I'm just hoping that Albanians are as bad at organized crime as they seem to be at running an organized country.

February 25, 2009 at 5:06 PM  
Blogger Jason Quinones said...

you need a superman shirt my friend.

February 25, 2009 at 5:58 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Jo : My actions are completely above-board. I can’t believe you’d think otherwise! I’m Robin Hood. I steal the cell phone frequencies for the public good.

AFM: LA LA LA LA LA LA (I’m covering my ears so I can’t hear you) LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Jason: I only work undercover.

February 25, 2009 at 6:02 PM  
Blogger Sid said...

The only times I have only ever been annoyed at people on cell phones is when they're talking on them in movie theatres or when we're at a restaurant TOGETHER. Tell the other person you're having supper with ME.

February 26, 2009 at 2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess that means you won't be coming home soon? That's OK I would rather you keep your cape on and fight crime in the big city. Get tham all so when we come to visit we don't have to worry about them!

February 26, 2009 at 10:24 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

MT: Home? Do you mean Ohio? The place I left over 30 years ago? Are you guys still waiting for me to move back? Becuase at this point I think it's out of the question.

February 26, 2009 at 12:11 PM  
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