The Unbearable Banishment: The buzzards of suburban New Jersey

Saturday, March 27, 2010

The buzzards of suburban New Jersey

Driving along on a misty gray early New Jersey morning, down winding roads, over smooth hills and banked turns, the telephone poles blur by. It's quiet. Nobody is out yet. This bucolic scene is broken by a pair of turkey buzzards having their morning road kill breakfast. Yum-yum. Eat-'em-up.

I spent the remainder of my drive trying to think of a proper metaphor. One never materialized. Perhaps that's a good thing.

* * *

I got the news that I was awarded a four-week contract for a project that I interviewed for at a financial institution (see below). I wish it were for a longer period of time but the pay is quite good, so I took it. That's the upside of working for an investment bank. They tend to pay well and have top-notch equipment. Don't laugh. There's nothing more depressing than sitting down to do a project only to find that they've stuck you with a beat-to-shit computer that's running Mac OS 6.

Before I can start I need to submit the following:
  • A criminal background check
  • A drug test
  • A set of fingerprints
  • A residential history going back five years
  • An employment history going back 10 years
Keep in mind that this is for a four week contract position. Who do they think they are!? I guess investment banks are tired of being burned by rogue employees and CEOs. They need to be cautious. I could be a brilliant criminal mastermind in sheep's clothing for all they know. The next Bernie Madoff. Yeah, that's me.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats on acing the interview and getting the job!

You must be very good at what you do.

March 27, 2010 at 3:17 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

GOTJ: I have ninja bullshitting skills. That's the truth. It's too bad I can't parlay that into a paying gig.

March 27, 2010 at 4:18 PM  
Blogger Pueblo girl said...

Sounds to me like you just have converted those ninja bullshitting skills into a paying job...Though I'm sure it was your experience and mature approach that won them over :)

March 27, 2010 at 4:33 PM  
Blogger Ponita in Real Life said...

Congrats! And perhaps, having your foot in the door with this short project, it may lead to offers or at least the opportunity of something longer or perhaps permanent.

One never knows.

March 27, 2010 at 5:54 PM  
Blogger Barlinnie said...

Be wary when dealing with banks my friend, they'll pick a mans bones cleaner than any winged buzzards ever could.

March 27, 2010 at 6:16 PM  
Blogger savannah said...

glad y'all got a gig (i told y'all, remember?) and sugar, mega props on the photo/entry juxtaposition! xoxoxo

March 27, 2010 at 6:18 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

PG: Thanks for the congrats. The interviewee prior to me didn't bother to wear a suit and tie, but I did. Believe it or not, that may have factored into their decision.

Ponita: Mrs. Wife said the same thing. Once get get a load of my charm, they'll never want to let go.

Jimmy: I've been in the industry for most of my adult life and you have no idea how right you are!!

Savannah: I *wish* I were that clever. The photo and entry were a happy accident.

March 27, 2010 at 10:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Mrs. Wife...congrats! What the hell are those birds eating looks to large to be a squirrel?

March 27, 2010 at 11:29 PM  
Anonymous nursemyra said...

Due to a hailstorm in 1999 the building I worked in lost its roof and all the publishing material was destroyed. The almost vacant building next door was unscathed but they wouldn't rent any part of it to us because the top floor was an ASIO office and our insurer thought it would be simpler to pay us to not work at all for three months rather than do the required background checks for the entire staff.

Congrats on the job UB. Bet your daughters will miss having you around for the next four weeks

March 28, 2010 at 3:45 AM  
Blogger Ellie said...

You could be. If you wanted.

March 28, 2010 at 4:11 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

MT: I'm not sure what they were dining on but it was DEFINITELY not a squirrel. Likely a possum. There's lots of those out here with tire marks on their backs.

Nurse: That would be a sweet way to collect a paycheck. I'll probably miss the daughters a lot more than they'll miss me.

Ellie: Aw, shucks. That's just not me. Yet.

March 28, 2010 at 7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

carrion fowl serve a purpose... less so, now that we have street maintenance departments hiring folks to ride around on trucks scraping up the 'sail cats' and 'fly rabbits' plastered on the roads...

banking may suck? but there are worse jobs... 4 weeks is 4 weeks... congrats!

March 28, 2010 at 7:50 AM  
Blogger bob said...

Is this for the firm you told me about, with my old PAICR pal? And if so, tell him/her (shhh, don't let it out of the bag) I said hey.

Sounds like a lot to go through for 4 weeks -- they must have you doing double secret investment work.

New blog = The Unbearable Banishment of Corporate Espionage.

March 28, 2010 at 5:23 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Daisy: Banking may suck but it pays the mortgage. I should be careful about being an ingrate.

Bob: Yup. That's the one. I'm working on their quarterly earnings, portfolio holdings and investment strategy updates. I suppose it could be a problem it if got out.

March 28, 2010 at 10:04 PM  
Anonymous Sid said...

Fours weeks?! I mean I'm glad you have a job but four weeks go by so quickly. Good luck.

March 29, 2010 at 4:58 AM  

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