The Unbearable Banishment: Hope I die before I get old

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Hope I die before I get old

I went to a play last night and this old buck in front of me had his glasses on wrong. The temple was OVER his ear instead of tucked behind it.

How could he be so unaware of this? Wouldn't it hurt or be uncomfortable? Finally, midway through the performance, he touched the side of his head and fixed it. It seems the older we get, the more easily we're distracted. I'll bet his underwear was on backwards, as well.

It must have been crazy geriatric discount night because the 80+ year old crow sitting next to me was LOUDLY sucking hard candies throughout the entire play. I could barely concentrate on the performances because it sounded like the person next to me was eating a big pork chop with her mouth open.

And then, of course, her cell phone went off at the exact wrong moment. It was set to extra-loud to compensate for her deteriorating hearing. But that sort of thing isn't just the geriatrics. A cell phone goes off at every single performance I attend.

I hope when I get old I don't annoy people in public. Although, my dream was to stay in my New York apartment until I became the crazy old guy with the big apartment who everyone wishes would croak so they could get their hands on my real estate.

* * *

I saw the recently opened and well received Everyday Rapture. What really impressed me was that she was the co-author of the piece. It's not enough that she has a successful stage career, can sing and act. No. She has to be a writer too. People like that make me feel I'm not trying hard enough.

The play stars Sherie Rene Scott as Sherie Rene Scott—a somewhat fictionalized version of herself. The arc of the plot takes her from her humble beginnings as a Mennonite raised in Kansas to the filthy streets of Broadway.

It's basically a one-woman show except for the musical interludes when she is joined by her two back-up singers, the Mennonettes. (Yes, she wrote the songs, too. Grrrr.) She is torn between two loves; Jesus Christ and Judy Garland. She pokes fun at religion without ever disrespecting it. Come to think of it, she gives theater the same treatment. It made me laugh.


Blogger kyknoord said...

I wear my underwear backwards, but I like it that way!
Regarding the show, couldn't she just put Judy and Jebus in a cage and let them duke it out? It would make for an epic finale.

May 4, 2010 at 2:53 PM  
Anonymous annie said...

I think most old people have done something to earn the right to be an irritant occasionally.

By the way, I wrote a post for Care2 on the Times Square bomber which includes a quote and link back to your post and I lifted the naked cowboy pic - so I hope you actually took it cuz I gave you the photo credit with a link back to that post too. Sorry for the after the fact notice, but I was on a deadline.

May 4, 2010 at 4:36 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

One has to have some fun when getting long in the tooth - even if it just getting up the nose of youngsters like yourself:)
Something for you to look forward to.

May 4, 2010 at 6:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

personally? i'm looking forward to seeing just how much goofy shit i can get away with when i get old. more like the dude with the glasses than the sucky old broad with the phone.

maybe when i'm old? i'll just punch people like her. i mean, who's going to file charges for being hit by a crazy old woman?

May 4, 2010 at 7:07 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

kyk: The better fight between Judy and Jebus would be what happens in the audience.

Annie: I don't mind an occasional irritant. I'm not THAT intolerant. But I felt ganged-up on. Thanks for the links. I love links. I did, indeed, take those pics.

Pat: They did it to me on purpose? Ah HA! So that's their game. Clever.

Daisy: Don't you already get away with a lot of goofy shit? That's my impression...

May 4, 2010 at 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Rob said...

Sometimes ill-fitting eyeglasses can cause irritating pain right behind the ear. The approach taken by the geezer will sometimes give your ear a rest (and allow the pain to subside).

I've learned never to judge people when you don't know their story. Just sayin'.

May 4, 2010 at 9:33 PM  
Anonymous RubyTwoShoes said...

God damn overachievers (the multi-talented play woman that is, not the old duck with his glasses on funny and his pants back to front, anyone can do that...)

May 5, 2010 at 3:30 AM  
Anonymous nursemyra said...

Do you carry your cellphone jammer with you in the theatre? Use it baby!

May 5, 2010 at 4:48 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Rob: Aw, man! Do you mean I can't judge people in my own stupid blog!? Where am I supposed to vent?! I'd never say anything to him...

Ruby: I did a freelance project last week that required I read biographies of the upper management at an investment bank. Multi-degreed, high net-worth types. It gave me the blues.

Nurse: The jammer would work in my immediate vicinity but it could never cover an entire theater.

May 5, 2010 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger Here In Franklin said...

My new Droid has a super easy silencer that I didn't discover until I'd owned it for two weeks. I throw popcorn at people who continually check their phones during movies. On 16-year-old caught me and damn near invited me to the parking lot. And not in a good way.

May 5, 2010 at 5:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The glasses thing would have bothered me...just because I would have wanted to try and move them where they belong without him knowing. Probably laughing the whole time (not at him) just thinking of ways to do this…

May 6, 2010 at 12:31 PM  
Blogger Ellie said...

Maybe the pressure of the glasses against his head hurt so he moved them to the outside for a bit of a respite.

Yes, I'm looking for excuses for the old dear.

Scared that that will be me too one day. Not the loudly ringing phone in a theatre though. I can't let that happen!

May 7, 2010 at 9:31 AM  
Blogger secret agent woman said...

I wonder if the old guy had adjusted his glasses because the top of his ear was sore?

Cell phones - why, oh why, do't people put the damned things on vibrate when they are in public?

May 7, 2010 at 1:41 PM  
Blogger Blues said...

The cell phone thing really pisses me off. Last week in yoga class a woman showed up late (meaning she had to ring the bell and get buzzed in mid-AUM. Then she has the gall to have her cell phone ring twenty minutes later. I wanted to kill her.

May 30, 2010 at 9:24 AM  

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