The Unbearable Banishment: Young and oh so clueless in the ways of love

Friday, May 21, 2010

Young and oh so clueless in the ways of love

When I think back on it, the breadth of my cluelessness regarding the science of love during my early conquests is almost too astonishing to be believed. I was quite awful at it. I knew nothing. The group of guys I hung out with weren't exactly lady-killers, so there was no talk about what to do or not do. It was a painful, embarrassing learning process.

For a good long while, I thought that you got a girl to kiss, and then sleep with you, through insistent begging. I thought the game of love was to wear down her resolve until she finally capitulated. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that haranguing was not an element of a seduction.

* * *

The first time I had sex, she said, "You can do it," but the DIRTY DEED had already been DONE. Admittedly, an inauspicious debut.

The first girl I slept with had the temperament of a sea monster. She kinda looked like one, too.

* * *

With my first regular lover, I used condoms that were about as thick as a garden hose. I didn't know anything about lamb skins and sensitivity. I was mortified that I had to buy them. I just wanted to get in and out of the drugstore as quickly as possible without asking (or being asked) any questions.

The condoms robbed me of all sensation. So much so, that I often couldn't finish. So I would occasionally pull it off just so I could finally climax. In retrospect, a terrible idea.

I remained in my semi-clueless state for a couple years. During that time, I missed a lot of signs and opportunities. I was unaware of how many women were willing to sleep with me. But I realize it now.

When I think of all the unprotected sex I had, it's a miracle I've never had to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. Or worse.

* * *

I once read an article by a woman who said her boyfriend was so emotionally overwhelmed by sex that he routinely wept afterterwards. She found this romantic and touching. So the next time I slept with my girlfriend, I tried to cry but my heart just wasn't in it. It sounded fake and ridiculous and insincere. My girlfriend asked if me I was having a mental breakdown.

* * *

Once upon a time, I was making out with a girl. I got up and put a Kenny G album on the stereo. Personally, I didn't like the guy all that much but I thought it would be romantic. About two songs in she stopped kissing me, sat up and yelled, "Would you PLEASE turn that OFF!"

* * *

I faked an orgasm once. The sex got to be so tedious and went on for far longer than it should have, so I decided to end it by faking an orgasm. I believe she was equally relieved it was over.

* * *

Many years ago, on a warm summer night, I made beautiful amour in a roof garden atop a brownstone with the nighttime Manhattan skyline as the backdrop.

I thought I'd end this with a fond memory.


Blogger mapstew said...

Oh Man! It's 3:30(AM) here and you have me laughin' Way too loud for this neighbourhood!

And BTW, TMI! :¬)

May 21, 2010 at 10:30 PM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

keee-RIST on a skateboard, you did NOT just go there...

since my vaguely adult children read my blog, i cannot go there, but oh, man, would i have 'tales of the sexually clueless' to share.

seems you have the makings of one of those anonymous blogs - where people post secrets. i'd read it.

May 21, 2010 at 10:46 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Map: I think this is going to be waaaay TMI for Mrs. Wife, too, when she reads it. I have no idea what drove me to post it.

Daisy: So I should have sent this stuff to Post Secret instead? Too late. Once it's out in the ether, there's no getting it back.

May 21, 2010 at 11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, "Oliver Parker!" clearly sent you down Memory Lane...

May 22, 2010 at 1:31 AM  
Blogger kyknoord said...

I once nearly cried during sex. Her husband came home.

May 22, 2010 at 2:25 AM  
Anonymous nuttycow said...

Wow - I could tell you lots of stories about my various attempts at love. Sadly, my mother reads my blog and she still thinks I'm a virgin (which is frankly virgin' on the ridiculous!)

May 22, 2010 at 3:20 AM  
Blogger Ms Scarlet said...

Trust me, you were never as confused as me... I'm not going to go there... no, I'm really really not going to go there.

May 22, 2010 at 6:04 AM  
Blogger Pueblo girl said...

If it weren't for the fact that we grew up on opposite sides of the pond, I'd be convinced by this post that I'd met you, way back.

May 22, 2010 at 7:38 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

bless your heart! xoxoxox

stories like this should be told over many drinks in bar, sugar! hold on, this should be one of our activities when we all meet up in nyc! damn, too bad i quit smoking and there's no smoking inside anymore! this stuff calls for a cig or 20!

May 22, 2010 at 8:04 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

CB: That is EXACTLY where I started down this path.

Kykn: Imagine how she felt!

Nutty: Virgin' on the ridiculous is the best play on words in this comment section (so far).

SB: You should go there. I'm hoping to start a trend. If everyone opens up, it'll lose it's shock value.

PG: I walk around thinking I'm one in a million but the truth is I'm probably a dime a dozen.

Savannah: Drinks in a bar would be preferable. Maybe I shouldn't burn them all on a blog.

May 22, 2010 at 8:52 AM  
Anonymous Rob said...

Many years ago, on a warm summer night, I made beautiful amour in a roof garden atop a brownstone with the nighttime Manhattan skyline as the backdrop.

Geez, you weren't alone, were you?

May 22, 2010 at 10:47 AM  
Blogger Ellie said...

We've all had our moments, I suspect.

May 22, 2010 at 1:58 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

I love this post.

May 22, 2010 at 5:57 PM  
Blogger secret agent woman said...

Some of these made me giggle. I agree about Kenny G and I'd problem also be totally thrown by the fake crying. But I sure hope you've had more than one good experience!

May 22, 2010 at 9:53 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Rob: I wasn't alone. That time.

Ellie: Feel free to post your moments. It's a meme!

Leah: Thanks. I like being scratched under my chin as much as any cat.

SAW: The good experiences aren't nearly as interesting.

May 22, 2010 at 10:29 PM  
Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

This post made me laugh.

I recently had to declare how I lost my virginity as part of a drinking game dare in a hostel bar. Everyone pissed themselves laughing. At least I can laugh about it too now... ;)

Sex stories are the best. Everyone's got a horror tale to tell.

May 23, 2010 at 2:49 AM  
Blogger Mr London Street said...

Liked this a lot - I'm not sure whether it's depressing or reassuring that these feelings are so universal. Probably both.

May 25, 2010 at 6:45 AM  
Blogger Blues said...

This post is sadly hilarious. Thanks for sharing it.

I can't believe you pulled out the Kenny G. I would have cried laughing if someone did that to me. Sorry, I'm just peeing laughing over here.

May 30, 2010 at 9:53 AM  

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