The Unbearable Banishment: The road to hell is paved with blasphemous limericks

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The road to hell is paved with blasphemous limericks

British ex-Pat Emma [Who inexplicably left London for Baltimore. Baltimore. ?!?] invited me to enter her Spectacular Easter Limerick Competition. It's no joke. The prize is a smooth, creamy, deluxe chocolate egg from Hotel Chocolat. I'm posting my entries here. If I don't win the damn egg, at least I'll have gotten a blog post out of it.

There once was a prophet named Christ.
On a cross he was soon sacrificed.
Will he come back
From being whacked
As a man or a poltergeist?

And in case that wasn't offensive enough:

Hung on a cross by decree,
Romans pounded the nails in with glee.
Well, that really sucks.
I loaned him five bucks!
First resurrect, then repay me.

Happy Easter, Christian soldiers.

*     *     *

"That's all you got. You got love and you got death. Death will find's up to you to find love. That's where most people fall down at. Death got room for everybody. Love pick and choose. Now, most people won't admit that. That's cause love cost. Love got a price to it. Everybody don't want to pay. They put it on credit. Time it come due, they got it on credit somewhere else. That's what I learned all these years."

August Wilson
Two Trains Running

Perhaps it's because I heard those lines spoken by an accomplished actor who embraced the role. Simply reading them might not have the same impact. August Wilson was a fucking genius. He wrote a 10-play cycle, one for each decade of the 20th century, all centered on the black experience and all taking place in the same Pittsburgh neighborhood. And every one of them is great literature. Man, I'll never write that well. It's depressing. And I don't mean metaphorically.


Blogger Furtheron said...

But you write that then imply you believe in Hell. How confused are you? ;-)

I presume your friend saw the great stage show Hairspray and thought Baltimore looked groovy ;-)

March 13, 2013 at 8:21 AM  
Blogger Kono said...

Come to Pittsburgh, i used to live and drink right outside that neighborhood with many of it's current residents, i'll take you there though you might want to bring a kevlar vest depending on the time of day, and my favorite place to drink is across the street from that very hood, the place (the city and the hood) are beautiful even if the neighborhood shows all the scars and bruises of years of neglect... and you have a future in Limerick writing young man.

March 13, 2013 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

If you ever get a chance to see any of those 10 plays—any of them—you should. They're all worthwhile. Surely they must mount occasional productions out there? They're part of the fabric of that city's history.

Does limerick writing pay well? It's a requirement.

March 13, 2013 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I use hell as a literary device. That, and I'm extremely, confused. Overwhelmed, in fact.

Perhaps she moved to become an Orioles fan? I dunno.

March 13, 2013 at 9:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If that second limerick doesn't win you the prize, I'll buy you that egg myself.

March 13, 2013 at 12:29 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Right?! That's a good one! It's my best shot. I may take you up on that.

March 13, 2013 at 12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd be surprised if that second one doesn't win. Nevertheless I might have to enter this contest as those chocolates look worth fighting for! Just rolled back into town though, I'll see if I can get my head in the game in time

March 13, 2013 at 1:52 PM  
Blogger MommyHeadache said...

Well done!! I reply to you via limerick (couldn't find anything to rhyme with Emma alas so here I am Elsie)

There once was a Brit-chick called Elsie
Who dreamed of owning a pad in Chelsea
but she was not born a whore
or a Kardashian for sure
So for pennies lived in Baltimore by the sea

March 13, 2013 at 2:06 PM  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Love and death is interesting, because I remember Woody Allen saying he only believed in sex and death in one of his movies (was it Sleeper?). The punchline was something to do with feeling nauseous after one of them (sex, presumably). I'll have to think up a dirty limerick for Emma's contest - I've always enjoyed talking dirty to her.

March 13, 2013 at 2:26 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Worth fighting for? Worth dying for. Not just the egg. The glory. Welcome home. Hope you have a nice trip. What's that like? A vacation? I vaguely remember taking one in my distant past.

March 13, 2013 at 2:30 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Emma seems so demure. I didn't dare write anything too spicy. Especially since it's her place. It's not respectful. Do you read Pat's blog? Past Imperfect? Another demure Brit whom I love. Every time I curse in a post, I cringe knowing she's going to read it.

March 13, 2013 at 2:36 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Well done you! If I was running a Justify Your Actions contest, you'd win the blue ribbon.

March 13, 2013 at 2:37 PM  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I know both Pat and Emma. You're right to mind your p's and q's with Pat, but Emma is very saucy beneath her demure exterior. I remember her writing a post about how to pleasure a woman orally. Have a look through her archives.

March 13, 2013 at 3:51 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Is that a fact?! That's not the Emma I know! If you need me I'll be combing through her archives.

March 13, 2013 at 4:19 PM  
Anonymous daisyfae said...

recreational blasphemy. ought to be an olympic sport. i'd have you on my team!

March 13, 2013 at 4:50 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

We can hold hands and skip to my lou straight to hell. If there is one.

March 13, 2013 at 5:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was fun, but when you're like me "vacation" is a loose term; More like "anxiously organized and overseen adventure time" punctuated by some moments of actual calm

March 13, 2013 at 6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant--my youngest will be delighted when I recite the second one to her. My favourite example of the genre is this classic:

There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two

March 13, 2013 at 8:20 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Do you guys get the dirty Nantucket limericks out there? I've got a great one I'll email to you tomorrow. It's way too crass to post here. I assure you that you won't be repeating this one to your your youngest.

March 13, 2013 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger dinahmow said...

Well, I only ever earned boxes of chocolates, bottles of wine(sometimes damn' fine wine)and maybe a mention in some linens.

March 13, 2013 at 11:51 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Listen...a win is a win is a win. I'll take it, happily. And if I get my hands on that chocolate egg, I don't think I'll share it with anyone. Nobody helped me with the limerick!

March 14, 2013 at 6:42 AM  
Blogger OldLady Of The Hills said...

Limericks are really hard to write---especially in the right rhythm and also with "perfect" rhymes....I think you did damn good! The best limerick writer I ever knew was my darling sweet talented friend, the late Betty Garrett.... And she was very very bawdy, too...a MUST, in my book....(you mentioned good old Nantucket)

I LOVE ALL of August Wilsons cycle....Saw them all....and what you said is Sooo true...He was a true Genius.....I think these plays will always be done till the end of time....!

March 14, 2013 at 7:55 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I Googled Betty Garrett. I know the face but never the name. Interesting story! The whole blacklisted thing is sad.

I've only been fortunate enough to see four plays of the cycle. Almost all of them have played Broadway at one time or another—sometimes starring Denzel Washington or James Earl Jones—but I was lazy and missed them. They renamed a Broadway theater after him. Immortality assured.

March 14, 2013 at 9:42 AM  
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