The Unbearable Banishment: I Have Some Bad News: I Think My Daughter Might Be Straight

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I Have Some Bad News: I Think My Daughter Might Be Straight

6-Year Old Daughter had a play date with her boyfriend from kindergarten the other day. She carries a very Disney-fied notion of what romance is all about. After he went home, she told Mrs. Wife, “Guess what, mom! My plan worked! He’s in love with me!”

As her father, I find this to be disturbing and unwelcomed news. I don’t want her to have anything whatsoever to do with men because, frankly, men are creeps. I speak from experience. We are all after the same thing, and I can assure you that once we get it, we move on to the next same thing. I don’t want some dirty little punk pulling into my driveway in a beat up Trans Am that’s leaking oil, beep the horn and expect her to run out to the car because he’s too cool to come into the house and face me. And God forbid she falls for a musician! Those guys tend to have an endless supply of women at their disposal and a lot of their women end up disposed of.

My plan is to try and steer both my daughters into a gay lifestyle. Women are respectful to one another and have a quiet dignity. Having a woman knock on my front door looking for my daughter(s) is a hell of a lot easier for me to take than the nightmare I described above. So far, I have failed miserably but I’m thinking of taking her to the Women’s Rights Anniversary celebration or a Melissa Etheridge concert this summer. That could provide a push in the right direction.

* * *

I was standing in line at Citibank to deposit some checks and I heard I Confess by the English Beat coming out of the speakers overhead. That’s one of my all-time favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands! What does that mean? Is Citibank trying to raise their hip quotient or am I becoming so old and decrepit that I’m starting to enjoy muzak? I just got a chill as I typed that last sentence.

2 Comments:

Blogger Reese said...

I can't stop laughing! This is one of the funniest posts I've read in quite some time. Great way to start my morning.

Good luck with your daughters and the whole gay thing :)

June 19, 2008 at 10:12 AM  
Blogger mjp said...

Is Citibank trying to raise their hip quotient or am I becoming so old and decrepit that I’m starting to enjoy muzak?

I think you already know the unfortunate answer to that question.

June 19, 2008 at 1:47 PM  

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