The Unbearable Banishment: over the river and through the woods

Monday, November 24, 2008

over the river and through the woods

Tomorrow, the alarm on my nightstand will sound at 4:00 a.m. About :45 minutes later, with the daughters loaded in the back seat and (hopefully) fast asleep, we will begin the long drive to lovely Cleveland to see my family for Thanksgiving. If it were just Mrs. Wife and I, the drive would take about eight hours. But throw a 7-year old and a 2-year old into the mix and you have to tack an additional two hours onto the trip.

We have a portable DVD player to anesthetize the kiddies during the long, dull drive. When I was a kid, in order to combat the boredom on long car trips, we had to count road kill. Most shocking road kill ever: a black bear in Pennsylvania.

* * *

If you are in your car waiting for a red light to change and you need to turn left, but there’s oncoming traffic at the opposite side of the intersection who are also waiting for the red light to change who have the right-of-way but you don’t want to wait for them, even though they have the right-of-way, so that when the light turns green you punch it and turn in front that first oncoming car who has the right-of-way and cut them off because you couldn't wait your turn, guess what?

You are a SHITHEAD.

* * *

I was leaving the Pret where I occasionally get a morning cup of coffee and I stopped to use the bathroom on the way out. It’s a small, one-person bathroom and I certainly thought I had locked the door behind me but a minute later while I was on the throne, pants around my ankles, typing out a text message, the door swung open wide and a Pret employee wearing a Pret baseball cap and Pret polo shirt walked in, looked down at me, yelled, “OH, SHIT!” and ran out. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I was. Am. I don't dare show my face in there ever again.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What road trips? The only two I remember is when we went to Pro Football Hall of Fame. Dad's idea of a family vacation. The other was when the car caught on fire from the carpeting because of a hole in the floorboard...you running like hell and leaving us behind like a sinking ship!
Still love you though....MT

November 24, 2008 at 8:37 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

MT: There was that time we drove to Michigan and imposed ourselves on some relatives we barely knew because they had a boat. And what about that memorable week in Disneyworld when we were kids?

Oh, waitaminute. That Disney trip only took place in my childhood fantasies, so that doesn’t count, does it?

November 24, 2008 at 8:54 AM  
Anonymous Rob said...

Only adding 2 hours? You are an optimist, aren't you?

DVD player? Good luck with that. My experience has been that that diversion only lasts so long. Back when I was a kid, my Mom would dope us kids up with gravol and our road trips were only a couple of hours!

Left turn hot rodder? You snooze, you lose buddy! Don't you know that where I have to get to is way more important than wherever it is that you're going?

Exposed on the throne? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I come here looking for the best in schadenfreude and I'm rarely disappointed! :-)

November 24, 2008 at 11:17 AM  
Blogger ~E said...

Question: did said employee see "tha goods" or was it just your face?

Because whether or not you can go there again thouroughly depends on your answer.

November 25, 2008 at 1:46 AM  
Blogger A Free Man said...

My sister used to pass the time by beating the crap out of each other in the back seat. Silently. Quite the accomplishment.

I saw a road kill koala the other day, it was kind of sad and surreal. Nailed home the point that I'm not in Kansas anymore, or Florida for that matter.

November 28, 2008 at 12:24 AM  

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