The Unbearable Banishment: Wrecker of Homes

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Wrecker of Homes

I don’t know nuthin’ about no home ownership.

I don’t know anything about electrical work, structural maintenance, plumbing, carpentry, heating/cooling systems or mechanics. Do you know what I keep in my tool box? A credit card. I arrived at this pathetic state via 20 years of apartment life in New York. It was great! If something broke, you called the super and it was fixed by the time you got home from work. Sweet!

A lot of guys are taught these sorts of things by their fathers but, honestly, my dad never taught me a damn thing.

[Sidebar: When I was in 6th grade, my dad took me to a father/son night at school. It was a one-shot sex education class. They showed us a horrifying filmstrip about fallopian tubes, gestation periods and ovaries. I was a terrified little kid and wanted to hide under my chair. On the way out, as we walked toward the car, my dad looked down at me and said, “If you have any questions, ask your mother.”

My hero.]

Can someone more manly than I answer this question? If the tub is draining a bit slow, and you ask your wife to buy some Drano, and the instructions say to pour in one-quarter of the bottle and let sit for :15 minutes (:30 if it’s a stubborn clog) and rinse it out with hot water but you want to do a thorough job so instead of one-quarter of a bottle, you pour in half, and instead of :15 minutes, you go downstairs to read the paper and forget to flush it out for 2 hours, is that bad?

By the way, I just got my tickets to see Philip Seymour Hoffman in Othello. He plays Iago. I'm not gay and I've never been bi-curious but I have to confess, tonight, I feeling kinda gay.


It seems my witticism at the end of this post is falling flat with a few readers. Contrary to how it may appear, I have not developed tender feelings for Philip Seymour Hoffman. I was contrasting two different stereotypes; manly-suburban-homeowner vs. gay-urban-theater maven. I can assure you that if I ever develop a curiosity for the same team, Hoffman’s physique won’t be the first to come to mind.


Blogger Ellie said...

The difference between your toolbox and my man's = the credit card number! Now, in truth, we do have some tools ... but that's because when I started in the IT business, my company gave me a little mini tool set that is supposed to be used for opening hardware, inserting additional memory etc. I've only ever used it to make quick fixes (re-screwing loose screws on door handles mainly) ... I think I would have a heart attack if I were actually asked to open any HW.

August 9, 2009 at 1:37 AM  
Blogger Barlinnie said...

I had to laugh at this post, you really haven't come across as a 'non-hands-on-type-a-guy in the past' until now.

Enjoy your show, I'll leave the bill on the side when I'm done.

August 9, 2009 at 2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drano is essentially caustic. The clogs in drains are typically accumulations of human hair. The caustic dissolves the hair enough to be flushed away. If you left it for long enough, and depending on the material your drain was constructed from, the caustic could corrode a hole in your drain pipe. But it's highly unlikely. Unless you do this repeatedly.

August 9, 2009 at 3:04 AM  
Blogger bob said...

You're gay for PSH? I'm all for whatever floats one's boat, but ... ewwwww.

August 9, 2009 at 7:02 AM  
Blogger savannah said...

i consider it our part in stimulating the economy and shopping win for us, but since he travels a LOT, i do know how to do a few chores around here before i call someone. ask jimmy, he taught me about electricity! xoxox

August 9, 2009 at 8:45 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Ellie: I think your man and I should form a support group. Does he feel a bit 'left out' for not knowing these things? I sure do.

Jimmy: If it weren't for guys like you, my house would crumble to dust. The other week we had someone up in a crawl space installing some lights in the kitchen. He has more testosterone in his pinky that I do in my entire frame.

Rob: That's what I was afraid of! If it's done corroding the clog, does it then go to work on the pipes? Yikes!

Bob: NO! Not gay for him! Ick. I was contrasting two stereotypes; manly-suburban-homeowner and gay-urban-theater maven.

Savannah: Hey! That’s a double-entendre! And so early on a Sunday morning. Well done.

August 9, 2009 at 9:20 AM  
Blogger Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Oh god, don't ask me. I spent 10 minutes fumbling around the grill, getting black hands, trying to find the catch to open my car bonnet yesterday.

I'm a raving sterotype.

August 9, 2009 at 9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Husband has an engineering degree and a curiosity about all things chemical, so his skills do come in handy. That being said, we are definitley not DIY-ers. At our previous house, we had a pool. On days like today (90+) we would spend the afternoon floating about, drinking beer or whatever. Our neighbors were indutrious and used all sorts of power tools. It was not uncommon to rouse ourselves late in the afternoon to discover that they had either added on a new room or completely relandscaped their yard. That's a long way of saying, I have no idea about Drano.

August 9, 2009 at 11:44 AM  
Blogger JZ said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 9, 2009 at 12:33 PM  
Blogger JZ said...

I hate when I see blatant typos in my comments...reposting:

Corrosion of pipes is a possibility, but you have to have a) a chronic problem in which you employ Drano repeatedly or b) a previous homeowner who may have had similar bad behavior.

My first line of defense/repair is to use the toilet plunger. Not one of those wimpy, rolled-up -condom looking things but, rather, those gigantor, super-duper types that get you some real suction. Usually, I can get the clog unstuck and the simple breaking up of the clog allows the detritus to flow down the drain. Sometimes you get some nasty black muckety-muck coming up from below while plunging, but its "all-natural" and you're not taxing our city water treatment plant with those nasty chemicals...that water does come back to your house eventually.....

Get yourself a finer strainer and make her clean her f-ing hair out every time she showers. As far as I can tell women always are the ones shedding more than the men (unless there's patter baldness running about).

August 9, 2009 at 12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a) plunger
b) drain auger
c) chemicals - and i've left them in longer than suggested for stubborn clogs without much trouble
d) theater tickets and a phone call to a plumber...

living on my own? i'm a "two banana" mechanic. i don't do electric work, however. shocking, i know...

August 9, 2009 at 4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so envious that you're gonna see PSH perform live

August 10, 2009 at 5:29 AM  

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