The Unbearable Banishment: A Day Without Obligations

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

A Day Without Obligations

Every year for my birthday I blow off work for a day and drive down to Atlantic City alone to shoot craps. I always pick a weekday for this blessed annual event because on the weekend the city fills up with fancypants people who are only interested in drinking, going to clubs to chase tail, eating in the better restaurants and make a show of themselves with their expensive, tacky wardrobes. If you go during the weekday, you are more likely to rub elbows with degenerates, professional gamblers, the broken and the destitute. In other words, my people. There is also a heaping helping of senior citizens. The corridors are choked with wheelchairs, walkers, canes and oxygen tanks being towed on little hand carts.

I arrived early yesterday morning and had my customary 10:00 a.m. bloody mary to get my groove on. I had to spend a little time on the boardwalk airing out because my customary bloody mary was unusually powerful and I got a little loopier than I like to be when I’m bellied up to a crap table.

I. Love. Craps. Shooting craps seems like a terrible waste of time until the money starts to pour in. Then, I can assure you, it’s a brilliant way to spend an afternoon. I give it my highest recommendation. Blackjack is boring. Roulette is dignified but a bit too quiet. Slots are for old ladies and lazy people. Bill Bennett, conservative author of The Book of Virtues was found to have a gambling problem. At the same time he was telling everyone how to live a moral and virtuous life, he lost an estimated $8 million in casinos. Do you want to know how he lost that money? Slots! What a little girl! I could almost forgive him if he had done the hard work and lost it at the racetrack or a crap table or a baccarat table, but he poured all that money into slot machines. I’ll bet he was wearing a frilly dress and a bow in his hair at the time.

For lunch I ate at the coffee shop. Casino coffee + casino eggs and sausage = nature’s laxative. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

3 Comments:

OpenID popomaticjeff said...

Weekday AC sounds like what it used to be like all the time when my friends and I would go back in college. Back then we would run red lights out of fear until we got to the safety of the casino parking garages

August 12, 2008 at 4:14 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

One block off the boardwalk is still absolutely terrifying. Truly. When they legalized gambling in the 70s, the benefits were supposed to trickle down but it never happened. On the way out of town I passed the Casino Male clothier and the ACA Massage Parlor (parking in rear). Nice.

August 12, 2008 at 4:20 PM  
OpenID daisyfae said...

slots are truly a tax on people who are bad at math... although the higher dollar slots have easier payoff. Watched a guy in vegas put $1500 into a slot machine. And win $9000 on the first pull. Only pull.

Brass nutsack... Amazing...

August 12, 2008 at 5:43 PM  

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